| 03/10/2010 - 21:43 — Had a sandwich here in iowa that was a behemoth mound of lunch meats. Had to detach my jaw like a python to get this thing down. |
| 03/10/2010 - 21:13 — Driving from a gig in debuque iowa back to davenport. Iowa roads are flatter than a cambodian hooker's ass & straighter than cher's pubes. |
| 03/10/2010 - 09:06 — connectin flight 2 iowa. As usual, sittin in front of a loud 1 on cell. Must be karma from long ago. Maybe I was talky in daVinci's library? |
| 03/09/2010 - 12:32 — @salon. Dudes who cut hair ( hesitate believin sum r guys) have ugly hair cuts&color. Trust em w my dome? Like goin to a homeless accountant |
| 03/08/2010 - 07:10 — Fun days back east. Sold out foxboro & both shows in sellersville pa. Loved it, but great to be in my own packed house w my wife & 3 sons! |
| 03/06/2010 - 08:19 — madonna, baldwin & larry david all giving advice on marriage ref. kinda like dick cheney on a show called "the marksman" |
| 03/06/2010 - 06:43 — rob lowe got new show. pam anderson on abc. kardashians #1. i havent had an audition in yrs. time 2 release my sex tapes |
| 03/05/2010 - 11:07 — Brand new video starring yours truly! The "Hip Hop Honkey" raps the Tiger Woods saga ;) http://tiny.cc/mT1FG |
| 03/05/2010 - 04:14 — kept up til 3am by party next door hotel rm. pot smoke, yells. now i'm up early. revenge. any1 got clove cigs & a banjo? |
| 03/04/2010 - 16:35 — Backstage @ showcase live in foxboro. This place is sweet! Put big $ into venue. Now glad patriots won so much. Sold out & ready to rock. |
| 03/04/2010 - 11:07 — pam anderson on dancn w stars. abc sellin sex? seen naked so many times, corps r bidding for naming rights on pam's ass! |
| 03/03/2010 - 07:18 — Dr suess bday! Flyn 2 NE. Could u, would u come 2 a show? Make u laugh& forget the snow. Go w friend or foe or w yur ho-c u thurs in foxboro |
| 03/02/2010 - 17:05 — walk w son (5) talkin bout what 2 bring 2 kindy that starts w K. i say-somethin that flies. he yells-cock! roosters fly? |
| 03/01/2010 - 11:03 — Friend I've known since 4th grade comin 2day. @ 16/17 yrs old, had a handyman biz together. For old time's sake, I should be late & hungover |
| 02/28/2010 - 05:56 — Layover in Chi. 4 payphones on wall. Looks weird. Like going back in time. Reminds me, where does superman change these days? Porta potty? |
| 02/25/2010 - 17:15 — Just inhaled sushi next door to the club I'm playin. So delicious, plus I'm really hungry. I don't think it touched my teeth |
| 02/25/2010 - 10:43 — RT @jimmyfallon this u jfallon? craig shoemaker. got a funny story about oates stache. email me craig@craigshoemaker.com |
| 02/25/2010 - 10:34 — killer whale kills a woman by drowning. glad it wasn't a sperm whale. imagine those headlines |
| 02/24/2010 - 13:33 — back of stretch suv on hiway 2 indy hotel. Peaking down @ drivers. all either text-drivin or smokin w windows up. No hands free laws I guess |
| 02/24/2010 - 10:08 — Wonderin if he starts tweets in 3rd person what happens 2 the 1st person, who many signed up 2 follow? Does he need a new account 4 3rd guy? |
| 02/23/2010 - 21:53 — 5 hours i fly to indy. bob & tom show thurs & perform @ crackers wed-sun. "crackers," but all ethnic groups welcome! |
| 02/23/2010 - 09:49 — volunteer@ kindergarten. 2day readin about worms. chapter2, 5yr old says-what does MATING mean? awkward pause. chapter 3 |
| 02/22/2010 - 02:46 — need updatin of mythology for future generations. start w narcissus. how bout "montag-isuss"? or "yur very kanye-istic?" |
| 02/21/2010 - 05:13 — Mtv's jersey shore. No wonder networks r failing. They lower their own property value w slime reality. Don't pass go or collect 200$ - RUN! |
| 02/20/2010 - 06:01 — They say great minds think alike. Any minds out there stay up all night thinkin too much? Not so great. Just wanna turn head off & sleep. |
| 02/19/2010 - 13:03 — In a spa lockerroom. Guy says loudly "aren't u the lovemaster?" And I'm nude @ time of inquiry. Luckily I had not been in the cold bath. |
| 02/19/2010 - 09:15 — Mom visits. Know I'm old cuz I got up earlier than her. Was thinkin about waking her up by pouring cold water on her & demand the bed b made |
| 02/19/2010 - 04:26 — figure skatin. cant believe they dont get dizzy w the spins. used to do that when i smoked cheap pot to increase my high |
| 02/18/2010 - 18:43 — Took my mom to craig ferguson. He pointed me out to audience & said he thought she was my sister. She says-"why didn't he say that on tv?" |
| 02/18/2010 - 08:59 — mom visitin. walkin down an incline, a guy warns "steep hill" she thinks he says "steve hill".. "oh hello, i'm barbara." |
| 02/17/2010 - 15:21 — enjoyin a week @ home w 80 degree temps. hope next week when i get to Indy it warms up. i'm more of a summer olympic guy |
| 02/16/2010 - 21:56 — 11yrold has great golf swing. told him keep @ it, maybe he can b tiger woods? he says "dad,i don't want 2b a sex addict" |
| 02/16/2010 - 12:02 — ex wife's a pissed off avalanche. know now there's no way to fix feelings. like tryin to touch up mona lisa w motor oil |
| 02/16/2010 - 10:21 — volunteer @ kindergarten. 2day's guest reader was the host of "the bachelor." no roses given to k-kids w most potential |
| 02/15/2010 - 21:38 — was just tellin bedtime stories to son about me as a boy. i had an aunt so ugly, i'm still traumatized by peekaboo! |
| 02/14/2010 - 22:14 — Finished another sold out show in tempe- 2300 total tix sold. Drivin home now 400 miles. Leavin the dessert w chap lips + booger boulders. |
| 02/14/2010 - 01:12 — fake women struttin in scottsdale. economy hasn't hurt surgeons in az. these girls seen more knives than the swiss army! |
| 02/12/2010 - 21:15 — 2000 tickets sold @ tempe improv this weekend! Either the economy is turning around here or arizona needs to laugh. |
| 02/11/2010 - 23:50 — Long day. 3 radio shows& 1 TV. Spoke@ AZ diamondbacks. Amazing, fun organization! Golf. Celebrated 20yrs on stage @tempe improv. Great crowd |
| 02/10/2010 - 17:22 — Drivin to AZ. Playin 4 nights at Tempe Improv. Jus saw the most amazin rainbow! 1st time seein both ends.Couldnt... http://bit.ly/9K0Qpj |
| 02/10/2010 - 17:20 — Drivin to AZ.Playin 4 nights at Tempe Improv.Jus saw the most amazin rainbow! 1st time seein both ends.Couldnt have seen it on a SW flight! |
| 02/10/2010 - 17:15 — Drivin 2 AZ. Play 4 nights @tempe improv. Saw the most amazing rainbow ever! 1st time seein both ends. Wouldnt c this from Southwest flight! |
| 02/10/2010 - 08:41 — morning meditation interrupted by 5month old. finished clearing head by dueling mouth fart sounds. monks should try it |
| 02/09/2010 - 22:57 — normally hate reality shows. jersey shore makes me vomit, especially w such great fondness for my fav vacation spot... http://bit.ly/bDnjva |
| 02/09/2010 - 22:37 — all kids and wife r in bed. time for a smoke. shhhh http://bit.ly/abrec5 |
| 02/09/2010 - 13:03 — our baby is all smiles jumping up and down in his toy. i think parents need a bouncy to play in. or politicians... http://bit.ly/9fmWCG |
| 02/07/2010 - 19:52 — feel great for new orleans. that city sure needed a victory of some sort! now we need an nfl franchise in haiti. http://bit.ly/cEAR9w |
| 02/07/2010 - 19:50 — feel great for new orleans. that city needed a victory of some sort! now we need to establish an nfl franchise in haiti. |
| 02/06/2010 - 16:58 — wife likes to spoon. i prefer a good fork http://bit.ly/aRsl77 |
| 02/06/2010 - 13:37 — Blew my vocal chords playin beatles rock band w sons. Forgot how high voices are for 23yr old brit guys built like... http://bit.ly/cvJv0Y |
