Craig Shoemaker's blog

I watched some golf last weekend, since my curiosity has been piqued by the Tiger Woods escapades and his subsequent hiatus from the tour.

I’ve got some comedy peers who are drawing large crowds. I’m always interested in hearing how a comic builds an audience because my pay is based on the amount of meat I put in the seats. A stand up can be knee-slapping funny, but unless it translates into ticket sales the only place the jokes will be told is at the dinner table.

He who speaks loudest gets the most attention. It starts the moment a baby is born and continues throughout our lives, whether it is a poopy diaper or a political talk show host, attention is given to the one who screams. I should know, we have a newborn and I am quietly getting very little attention right now!

Took this and had way more then I expected. Gotta book some travel to fill in the rest.

The Bucket List. Place an 'X' by all the things you've done and remove the 'X' from the ones you have not. At the bottom of the list, add something you've done that's not already on the list. NO EXPLANATIONS! If someone asks you about something, then fine - explain away. Tag 20 friends (including me) and then publish.

To do this, go to 'notes' under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, do the list.
Things you have done during your lifetime:

1. Who was your FIRST prom date?
Linda Scott. She made out with Ricky Altomare in the corner. She was my 13th ask.

2. Do you still talk to your FIRST love?
Yes. She married a wealthy guy and invites me over to their estate.

3. What was your FIRST alcoholic drink?
Weasel piss. 12 yrs old. A combo of about 14 different alcohols stolen from our parents + mixed together.

4. What was your FIRST job?
Cleanup guy at a restaurant.

5. What was your FIRST car?

I've fallen behind on my monthly admissions so I'm going to do 15 this month instead of 5. Don't forget to share your admissions w me!

1. I sniff my own farts as if they are a fine wine and I am analyzing the body and aroma, using my waving hand to beckon the gas closer to my nose.
2. I used to steal cashews from the local Acme Supermarket when I was a kid. It lasted for approximately 12 years. I even hollowed out a piece of the lining of a coat I had, specifically for my cashew heists. I committed many crimes in my youth, but I'll save those for an other expose.

I just watched a popular show on the Discovery Channel called “Deadliest Catch.”

Yes, go ahead and heckle me. I know you’re thinking how old and unhip I am to land on television programming that is akin to my grandparents watching Mutual of Omaha’s “Wild Kingdom” back in the 70’s.

Look, I’m razzing myself right now, so save the comments and references to prune juice and adult diapers. I beat you to the punch and realize I’m probably a year away from tuning in to “Discovery Health.”

I am mid flight in the midst of a nostril assault of felonious proportions.

There is a stench that has filled this cabin since I arrived. I can’t figure out if it’s a left over body odor from a Trans Atlantic flight to New Delhi or the guy next to me with chronic halitosis.

Whatever the origin, I feel like I’m about to gag and I’m going to scream “Somebody take a sponge bath!” My nose is experiencing an olfactory carpet bombing. It’s so steady and consistent; the smell is part of every inward breath I take.

I just finished traveling with my ten year old Justin. I should just call him “Karma.”

I cannot believe how many things he does that duplicate the way I behaved when I was a boy. The man upstairs, who sometimes I think might be operating from “downstairs,” must be playing jokes on me. Maybe the Big “G” was in the front row one night and I offended him? Should I have yelled out a “Gosh Darn” when I slammed my hand in the door, instead of “damning” the moment?

Some days, I like to take a mini vacation, not of the traditional family variety where I book a flight to a tropical destination, but the kind where I vacate the premises of my mind.

There is no such thing as turning off all brain noise like I’m flipping a power switch. I do meditate and contemplate, but there is always something percolating in my busy mind.

“I have to call my cousin and tell her I can’t attend her wedding.”
"Are the dogs fed?”
“I have a great idea to make some extra cash – a service where you jot down people’s ideas and then execute them!”